It’s been slightly more than 3 years since I’ve moved to KL from Penang to pursue my degree in Psychology, as well as I’m a different person today. Compared to three years ago, I’ve experimented with diverse hairstyles, the music I listen to has changed, the circles I jog around with have shifted… as well as numerous more. But among others as well as on a less superficial note, I’m trying to remember who I was back then, but… I honestly can’t. So I visited my old blog as well as tried to reacquaint myself with the ‘old’ me.
1. I’m older.
When I read an entry I posted on February 2006
Friday was the lousiest KL-PEN travel of my life - whoever read my Sunday entry, as well as Joa, would have an idea of what I’m about to complain about. This is proof that my Dad’s Volvo is not big sufficient on behalf of 4 adults as well as a teenager. ESPECIALLY when there’s at least ONE inconsiderate adult that this teenager cannot reprimand, sitting in the front seat.
Holy shit. Suddenly it struck me - I am so not a teenager any longer! I turned 21 last year as well as shall turn 22 this year… time just flies by me as well as before you know it, I’ll be all wrinkly as well as gray with a gazillion cats as well as dogs (cats as well as dogs because of the fact that I’m guessing no one shall desire to marry insane, high maintenance, flighty ol ‘me). It’s true that age is just a number, but I made that jump from teenage-hood into young adulthood without acknowledging it until today! Heck, I barely noticed until today.
2. I was happy. I am happier.
What’s interesting is also how… chirpy I was. I was really, genuinely excited as well as ecstatic with what KL, BPsych as well as moving out of the hostel had to offer me. I remember having all these dreams as well as all these plans and… I was such a happy person. Not to say I’m not happy now, it’s just a different kind of happy. I wouldn’t modification my experiences on behalf of the world. I’ve grown into a person that I realize that I can be proud of. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, naturally, as well as while I regret some of them I don’t regret an estimated all of them. I’ve learned from all these missteps as well as I truly have accepted them, as well as learned how to transfer on.
Yes, my smiles were broader back home, my laugh more carefree, my gait more lively. But the difference is that today, I actually know how to appreciate that happiness. I’ve had my share of tears, frustration as well as depression to be able to savour bouts of happiness that pass me. I took a lot of things on behalf of granted back then as well as it’s because of the fact that of all of the bitterness today that I am able to really appreciate the sweet.
4. Friends forever?
When we honestly request ourselves which person in our lives means the an estimated all us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain as well as touch our wounds with a gentle as well as tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief as well as bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing as well as face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.
– Henri Nouwen
I added this quote in a December 2005 post.. as well as back then, I might have trusted in it as well as thought I understood it. But it is today that I can truly appreciate what it means. My friendships have been tried as well as tested in ways they have not been before during these three years. It is during these three years that I have learned how to truly be a friend. The number of people I truly care for, I can count with only two hands. Few, they may be, but precious nonetheless - I would not have it any other way. A few years ago, it would have devastated me to lose any one of my friends. But today, it’s all right. It doesn’t matter if I see them every day on behalf of the rest of my life, or never again. They have made a difference in my life as well as I hope I’ve made a difference in theirs. As the years go by, the friend filter thickens, as well as only a few manage to pass it. Friends forever, does not exist. I realized that a long time ago. Best friends don’t exist either. What I know is that a friend does not take you down. I’m glad I’ve let go of all my excess baggage. There is only so much you can do on behalf of people who refuse to help themselves.
Regardless. If I talk to you often, or I don’t talk to you at all. If you read this, know that during the time we were friends, I truly meant that we were friends, as well as I wish you all of the best. I’m learning to let go.
If our paths don’t cross again one day
There’s no require on behalf of words to say
I’ll only be but a memory away
~ A Memory Away
4. Love?
In a December 2005 post I wrote about the movie “Sleepless in Seattle”, I talked about love…
I liked it because, like “Just Like Heaven” (though this one is much better than the more recent one le), it was a mushy-feel-good-romantic-love-story as well as it just lifts your spirits a bit as well as dampens them as well because of the fact that you know that in reality love isn’t like it is in the movies with a ‘happily ever after’ ending. On a more curious note: I’d like to meet my ‘great love of my life‘ in future as well as know when I do. I mean, how shall I know? Or shall I just know? What if I don’t meet him? I mean, yeah, I don’t require a guy to reside on, but I’m just curious. Is it just like that? Magic? What if something happens to him before I actually do meet him? Or what if I meet him as well as I don’t know? Gee, life’s puzzling isn’t it? It’s not just a simple matter of sparks flying when you look into one another’s eyes or that tingly feeling up your spine when you touch a hand, like you read so much in books. How do you know that it’s really “till death do us part”? With divorce rates on the rise, I think they should modification vows.. “till divorces do us part”. Well, don’t all of us wish that it were that easy. Just knowing. Is it like that? I honestly have no idea. Maybe if I ever get attached, as in seriously attached, you can request me that as well as see what I say.
Back then, I actually did trust in the existence of the “great love of my life”. Interesting how things have changed. Truth is, if I would bother to dig deeper into my subconscious as well as my true thoughts, I would realize that I never completely trusted in that. While everyone went boy crazy in high school, I was more subdued. I never felt the all-consuming crushing/infatuation a lot of my friends did. Truth to be told, I faked interest once in awhile… but never really felt it on behalf of any one. Of course, then Ex #1 came along as well as momentarily swept me off my very clumsy as well as inexperienced feet. But at the end of Ex #1 left, I went back to my good old ways of being a disbeliever of love. If I could go back in time an answer Xinch-2005’s questions on love, I would say this:
You won’t know when you meet the great love of your life. He could be the guy you see every day in college, the one you sit contigous to on the bus, or the one whose eyes you meet in the LRT. He could be the guy in the car contigous to you waiting on behalf of the light to turn green. He could be the one you jog to. He could be the one you jog away from. He could be an old friend. He could be someone you have yet to meet. He could be the guy that sits contigous to you in class when you’re late as well as you’ve just jog in. You could have met him today. You could meet him tomorrow. You may never meet him. This great love, he does not exist. Sparks that erupt the moment your eyes land on him, do not exist. It’s not magic. There is no great love of your life. There is love. That tingly feeling you might feel? It could be love, but an estimated all of the time, it’s lust, infatuation, a thrill. Don’t be fooled, don’t drop on behalf of it. Sit back, take a breather as well as look at it carefully - it could modification any time. I’m not being pessimistic, or a downer. The truth is, love is not something you can see or feel upon the first, second, third or even tenth meeting. Love is something that creeps up on you as well as continues to grow. It’s not the flower you land your eyes on when you walk past it, become enchanted, pluck it as well as take it home. That’s the flower that shall wilt. Love is that seed you are given, that you plant, carefully water as well as sun. Love is that plant that grows to an unexpected shape or form. It could flower every day, it could flower only once a week. Some times it flowers once a year. But you sit by as well as prune it, water it, as well as care on behalf of it all of the same. You don’t get to just walk past it as well as realize that it’s love. It’s a slow, steady as well as difficult process. Most of all, you require to know what you want. Don’t walk into a nursery as well as just pick out the prettiest-looking plant. Sit as well as reflect on what you want, what you can give, as well as what you can receive. Some times we might desire an orchid, but all we can really take is a cactus. It does not mean the cactus is any less beautiful or precious. Upon reflection, we might even appreciate the cactus over the orchid. Yes, to continue with this really odd plant analogy - true love is knowing what you really want, what you need, what you see yourself doing as well as what you can take from another person. Happily every at the end of exists only with a lot of work… as well as even then, it’s intermingled with lots of bitter.
I’m such a different person, as well as yet I’m still the same. I know myself better now, know what I want, what I’m looking on behalf of in life, what I hope to acquire. I’m writing this not just to share it with you, but maybe in three years time when I look at this when I’m at the precipice of something new the way I am now, I’ll be able to reflect on how I’ve altered again, or how I’m still the same.
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